I had to go to our room and close the door. I laid down and pulled the sheets over my head so I could take 3 loud deep breathes as quietly as possible. I can hear my toddler crying after her dad had to step in because she wasn’t listening to me. As I lay in bed fighting back the tears just wanting to close my eyes and shut my brain and emotions off at 4:30 in the afternoon, I get a text from the hubby.
“You okay?”
No. Not in any way, shape, or form. I feel like a bad mom. Why does it feel like my patience is non-existent? Why did I resort to spanking her so quick? Why did she want to hug me right after I spanked her? Why doesn’t she understand that the kicking and punching hurts? How can I get through to her? Why do u feel so terrible? If I knew the answers to those questions I wouldn’t be here in my room with the door closed while my amazing husband tries to entertain my two year old with the millionth replay of Cocomelon nursery songs on YouTube.
I feel like I’ve failed as I approach week 26 of this pregnancy. I’ve failed at being the adult and finding effective ways to support the changes that my toddler is facing. I’ve let down my own expectations for my parenting style. Most importantly I’ve failed to remember that nobody said it was easy. But, no one ever said it would be this hard.
I guess I should start out with the obvious here. I love my daughter. She has been my world since I first saw that little blue plus sign on that pregnancy test exactly 3 years and 4 days ago. She has brought joy in my life that I never knew was possible. My husband and I are very grateful that she is ours. As we prepare for her sister’s arrival we know how great she’ll be as a big sister. It’s just this part that is hard right now.
She kisses my belly and says, “Awww it’s so cute.” But I have to remember that she isn’t seeing the baby yet. I’d be confused too if it seemed like my mom had eaten a baby. Why else would there be a baby in mom’s belly? The whole truth is that I’ve hit my breaking point. Simply because I don’t know how to better communicate or help her adapt to these changes.
I know that there are only 2.5-3 months left. I also know that we’ve had some pretty blissful moments even through this weird transition. Layla has been helpful. She puts my shoes on for me sometimes even when it’s not time to go outside. She cuddles with me and gives me time to rest when she takes a nap. Not to mention she loves snacking as much as I do!
I’ve heard so many women talk about how having kids close together can be great and many talk about how terrible it can be. I always knew I’d decide for myself when we decided to have one more. I now have a weigh in on the topic, like it or not. Being pregnant with a toddler and having another baby closer than 3-5 years apart is hard...but it will be worth it. We will get through the most uncomfortable part also known as the third trimester. The pains, fatigue, and emotional chaos will subside and we will soon welcome the newest member of our family. Layla will have good days and hard days. She will throw tantrums and get over them. I’ll be tired and other days I’ll feel like my efforts pay off without much energy at all.
I just want to put it out there that it’s okay to have rough patches. It’s okay to take a step back while your partner steps in for round 48 of the toddler WWE show down where your toddler is the heavy weight champ and NOT feel bad about it. I will also say that I am very lucky for the support that I have from my spouse. He takes over without question and offers multiple foot massages that I am beyond grateful for. To all the mommas who know what I’m going through, I see you. For the moms wondering if having another baby is right for you, when you know you know so don’t doubt yourself. It won’t always be easy but I promise it will be worth it if you feel you are ready and prepare for the potential obstacles. For the moms that are done having kids and have successfully kept multiple humans alive, I salute you.
We need to stop pretending that everything is perfect and easy. We need to remember that it is okay to have big feelings just like our toddler. We are growing another human for god’s sake! I’m not perfect and I certainly have no shame in sharing that. So here’s to letting other mommas out there know that momma Moon has seen the good, the bad, and the ugly in her second pregnancy and we will persevere...emotional breakdowns and all.
P.S Thank you Jonathan for always being my rock. I love you more than words can tell.
