When I found out I was pregnant it honestly came as a complete shock. Not in the sense that we would have to take on a new responsibility but in the sense that it finally happened. My husband Jonathan and I decided we wanted to start trying for a family at the end of 2015. My grandmother had passed away that April just a month after we tied the knot in February and it felt like life was moving very fast for the both of us. He had some loss on his side of the family in the beginning of that year too and I think it made both of us take a look at what we wanted to do in regards of starting our own unit of family.
I remember getting a journal before we made the decision and when we talked about it and decided that we wanted to start trying for a baby I wrote in an entry to remember that day. We had gone back and forth about it starting sometime in July because we wanted to be sure that it was really what we wanted. We both had good jobs, a steady flow of income, and a stable home that we could raise a family in or at least start to. Emotionally we were ready to try and all of the other stuff seemed to only support those feelings.
By December we officially started trying, I mean how hard could it be? I was sure the new year was going to bring a positive pregnancy test and a new journey for us without a doubt. Little did I know that I was very mistaken. A few months passed and I thought that it might just be the change my body was going through without being on the good old pill I was on for years. That had to be it! In the next few months I was bound to be pregnant. WRONG…again! It started to get disapppointing. Now mind you, I was barely about to turn 19 and I still felt this deep frustration that my body “wasn’t doing what it was supposed to”.
All of my friends were focused on living their lives and enjoying the new experiences of college; which I highly recommend for a lot of young women and men, however I felt like I was at a different stage in my life. I was happily married, I was in college too, but I knew I wanted to start the next journey with my husband. I’ve always felt a lot older than I am and I’ve always said that I have an old soul. I think that’s why me and my husband work so well together. He’s 4 years older and I’ve never really felt the age difference and it’s worked for us.
We started getting closer to the holidays/one year mark and still no positive result. Others started getting pregnant around us or had just had their first baby. It was so exciting to see this boom of pregnancies but it honestly broke my heart when we weren’t a part of it. I was happy for all of our friends and mutual acquaintances but it made it hard to understand our situation. We were so ready and still nothing. How could it be that after a full year of trying to conceive nothing had happened? There were times I thought, “I have to be this time!” And still nothing.
They talk about getting pregnant and the effects it can and will take on your body and living situation in Health or Sex Ed but they don’t really talk about the emotional part of what you go through when you actually want to get pregnant and it doesn’t happen right away. Pregnancy is always made out to be some kind of damnation when your young. I remember having it drilled into my brain that wanting to get pregnant before the age of 25 was almost an automatic diagnosis for a naive mind and confused sense of judgement. If it happened before then people would judge you and immediately think that you were not even close to being ready…but when are you ever REALLY ready?! I am very thankful my mom and a close few understood why I wanted to start my family and could understand my emotional distress during that time when it wasn’t happening.
Me and my husband definitely went through a lot because it was draining for both of us but perhaps more for him since he was the rock the whole time. He has way more patience than I do and knew it could take time and I didn’t quite grasp it. He would support me when I cried over a negative result and calm me when frustration would take over. I feel terrible looking back now because I realize it started to feel like a job and not so much a new exciting chapter for us. At many points I would throw in the towel and tell him I didn’t want to try anymore and at the end of it I would pick it up again and request to keep trying. As always, he supported me at every turn.
After more trials and tribulations we found ourselves in the new year of 2017 and we both decided that we needed to live in the moment and that the rest would fall into place. I was focusing on graduating from college early, prepping for his 25th birthday, and shortly to follow my 21st. I had my hands full and started to focus on having fun with my friends and my amazing hubby. Time went by fast looking back and I found us fast approaching his birthday which I wanted to make super special. All of my attention went to that aside from work and school and little did I know that all of that wouldn’t be the only memorable celebration going on that month.
To be continued…
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