I want to start by saying I do not believe in the whole “New Year New Me” fad. I used to but early on last year I realized how bogus it was. I learned a lot and I grew from many experiences which is why I would rather reflect on the past year rather than say I’m leaving it behind and starting over. I don’t want to start over because me and my little family have made a lot of progress this year.
2018 was my first year as a parent which was the biggest blessing I could have asked for. I learned that having a child is best received when you start accepting that the trial and error approach is okay. It works better when you stop comparing what you are or aren’t doing to the social media mom influencer that probably has 2 nannys, a glam squad on speed dial, and expendable income that can support her kale and kombucha diet. I learned what was important, which was spending time with my sweet girl. Rather than trying to purée her all organic meals and only showering her in rain water…I’m being a little exaggerative…I put her needs and my abilities first. I went back to work full-time after a beautiful 3 month leave that was not nearly long enough and immediately felt like I was failing. A few months later I had the opportunity to get back into management which also allowed me to provide for our household so my hubby could stay home.
It wasn’t easy and there were too many moments to count that I felt like I was failing. I felt like I was a bad mom for working even though I could cheer on other working moms without flinching. With lots of love, the power of googling my random questions, and support from fellow mommas in my family I was able to make it through. The moments of doubt will come and go but one thing is for certain, being Layla’s mom is my greatest life change in 2018.
Working has always been a priority because I believe in working hard for the things that I want in life. Material things aren’t everything but if I’ve ever gotten something it was because I worked hard to pay for it. That also goes hand in hand with us buying our first home. It was one of the most emotional journeys and is still going as we try to make this new space our very own. When we prepared for Layla we did the best we could to make our previous home feel safe and sound for our baby. It almost felt like we threw that away when we bought the house I grew up in for the second half of my childhood and started over. We had to make it feel like our own and had to make it friendly for Layla. So of course, that meant more money and hard work to get there. But we did it and we are still doing it. I am thankful we became home owners this past year now matter how hard it was to do it. It was a huge moment of pride and taught me to look at the bigger picture while letting other things fall into place.
Aside from the big changes last year I think the most important thing I learned in 2018 is that I do not have to wait to grow. I don’t have to wait until its “the right time”. I also realized that what other people think about me is none of my business because pleasing everyone is nearly impossible…unless your Jesus, which even then he had a few haters.
Speaking of Jesus, I also became aware of my religious/spiritual association. Thrown into an extremely Christian environment ever since I can remember I always felt like I had to be Christian. There are things I can still identify with but so many things I just don’t feel represent how I choose to live my life. So I can now proudly say that I am Agnostic. And no…that does not mean I worship the devil and dance around a fire howling at the moon. It simply means that I do not know or believe that one of us knows what God is or looks like (physically and metaphorically). Maybe God is a woman, how badass would that be? I am open to hearing other religious ideas because I do not feel that I or anyone else truly knows which religion or belief system is right. But I personally don’t care to sit and listen while someone attempts to convince me that their ideas are what is right. Enough about that because I know some people can get a little touchy on the subject. (Mom if you’re reading this I don’t need the lecture or the sermon, I still love you though!)
Back to the self healing stuff. I think it’s important to remember that you and only you define your path. There will be moments you are shaken and your strength is tested but that is just part of the process. You will have moments where you want to give up and trust me throwing in the towel sounds more appealing most times than pushing your way through it. I know this because I’ve been there. My life is not perfect by any means and this past year showed that to me in many ways. I now gracefully accept that. My marriage has seen its ups and believe me we’ve had our downs. At the end of the day we come together. I may not be the perfect boss I’d like to be, but I do genuinely support my team and put in the work to lift my team and my store up. My home may be messy at times but as sure as our laundry pile is high, we are enjoying every second we can together; just the four of us.
Thank you 2018 for showing me that it’s okay to fall down sometimes and that I can’t keep living for the things and people that don’t matter. Thank you for chewing me up and spitting me back out when I was vulnerable, you showed me that I can persevere and be strong for my daughter. Thank you for bringing new people into my life and letting me build relationships. Thank you for showing me how to let the bad relationships go. Thank you for giving me the chance to become more focused on the end game rather than the rough patches on the way there. Most importantly, thank you for teaching me that I don’t have to wait until the 1st day of the new year to turn my life, attitude, and aspirations into positive changes and growth. Happy New Year to those who need a fresh start and keep on going to those who might’ve realized what I did this year!