I don’t think it happened on a particular day but started to occur over the span of a week or two. It had gone unnoticed until I found myself thinking, “I don’t want to do that” or “I’m not going to do something I don’t want to.” The best way to describe it would be reclusive behavior but in the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic I think it can also be categorized under self-quarantining before it all hit the fan.
There were plenty of times that I would feel myself doing it intentionally but other times where I realized I did it without a second thought. I didn’t want to interact with people. Plain and simple. Typing it and reading it again sounds very harsh but it’s the truth. I think it was near month 4 of this pregnancy which was around early February that it began happening.
I slowly stopped feeling the urgency to answer texts right away or to go to social events. Not that we get invited to an abundant amount of events or anything but I just didn’t want to leave the house. After our gender reveal I wanted to stay inside. I wanted to be home with my toddler and husband while this little baby was cooking. And now that we can’t go anywhere, I realize how this self-quarantine that I implemented into my life, before it was mandatory, may have been what I needed to come to terms with some deep feelings I’ve been having.
The self-quarantine felt necessary. There were things that I knew were not bringing me joy and quite honestly just brought me more stress than anything. Hearing people talk about negative topics was uncomfortable. Trying to keep quiet when I wanted to speak my mind was very difficult. And most importantly, being in situations that made me feel like garbage weren’t tolerable anymore. Whether it was a simple conversation where someone was oblivious to the toxic messages I felt they were sending/communicating or the way that someone made me feel being around them, I had had enough.
To sum it all up: I felt frustrated, irritated, and misplaced. I felt like time had changed so much that having to slow down and take a deep breathe showed me just how intense the changes have been. The friends that I had 1, 2, and even 3 years ago are very different. The relationships with my friends and family sometimes felt estranged and I didn’t want them to. There were moments that I looked around and I only saw three constants. Jonathan, Layla, and Roxy…my hubby, toddler, and dog. Not that they aren’t enough. However, they felt like the only things in my life that I could and can depend on.
Regardless of how true that might be or not it is the perception based reality that I was experiencing. It wouldn’t have been so emotional to accept if I didn’t feel the conflicts that I did. I’ve always wanted to be there for people who need it. I have always had an affinity for being someone that could be called at 3:00 AM on a Tuesday morning to help somebody or offer an ear to listen if it was needed. And that’s where I feel that I’ve failed in some of my friendships and relationships. I don’t know that I’ve necessarily made myself available to the people that matter most. I also didn’t know if some of those relationships were even meant for me anymore. Be it because of work, being a mom, or just feeling exhausted I don’t feel like I’ve been able to uphold that standard that is important to me.
I don’t feel that I’ve nurtured the relationships that matter in my life enough. And most times that guilt pours over into my home life with my own little family. Do I give Jonathan and Layla what they need? Am I being tentative enough? Do I disconnect from the outside world enough to make our time together memorable? Or are we just filling our days with screen time and meaningless jabber that doesn’t feed our souls or reiterate the love we have for one another? When I ask these questions to myself I’ve realized I’m really trying to gauge whether the time I’ve had with my loved ones actually matters.
If I didn’t wake up tomorrow would the memories that those I care about have of me be worthy of remembering? I hope that the answer is yes. The only way I can make that happen though is to make choices that support having the opportunity to create meaningful moments. And with that in mind I have pursued the things that enable me to do that. I recently took a risk switching job departments when a promotion opportunity was on the line. I put my family’s health first by pushing to work from home even though I felt guilty about it. And I’ve started to nurture relationships that mean something versus trying to keep the number of friends on my list at a certain range. Quality is truly better than quantity. And because of the decisions I’ve made I feel more prepared and ready to maintain a healthy life that doesn’t make me want to self-quarantine.
I am 6 months now into my last pregnancy and have two weeks before I start in a new department with a new promotion status, I have a healthy family and feel we are as safe as we can be during this pandemic, and have come to terms that the friends and family that matter most will be there even when I’ve been too busy to reach out or respond. I am looking forward to interacting with people again once this is all over. I feel confident that I can be there for those that I love without hesitation and don’t want to hide away anymore. Even though quarantine is mandatory now I feel more hopeful for the better days that are soon to come.