I should have known that these 13 weeks which people said was “a really long time” would fly by before I could get used to it all. I started my leave the last week of November and gave birth to my bundle of joy about two and a half weeks later in mid December. The time waiting for her was never ending but the time with her outside of the womb has evaporated. Where did the moments leave to? Do I really have to go back? What if I just opt in to blowing all of my money on a bus and creating the perfect home on wheels for my little family. That way we can travel the world together 24/7? Oh yeah…that isn’t how it works and yes I have to go back, which sucks (let’s just be real here) BIG HAIRY -insert your favorite noun here-.
Maternity Leave has been the best experience for me because I am very blessed to have enjoyed the luxury of being able to rest and heal all while adjusting to motherhood. I know some new mommas aren’t as lucky or don’t get as long and after my experience I think it is downright criminal! I cannot imagine not being able to have these last three months to grow with my daughter and to witness her first few weeks of life. I’ve been asked so many times if I’m excited but I think most people are really wondering if I can put on my big girl pants and return to work. I can but I don’t want to. I want to spend every second with my honeybunch. I want to spend all morning cuddling with her and making her smile any way that I can think of. I want to change every diaper and give her every feeding because it truly makes me happy. But in just a few days my wonderful sister-in-law Bobbie will be gently taking over while I’m at work.
If I didn’t have her to help me through this hard transition I might just go from ‘holding it together the best I can’ to ‘complete emotional mess’. Bobbie is a godsend in the sense that she understands my pain and probably won’t blink an eye when I call or text her for the fiftieth time just seconds after leaving Layla with her. Now Bobbie if you are reading this I promise I will try to limit myself to let’s just say thirty inquiries a day after the first two weeks! Just a few days ago I couldn’t help but voice how sad I was to be going back which led to me outpouring my inner mom fears. What if I miss too much? Will I be able to balance everything well? But it really got me when I told my sweet sister-in-law that I was scared Layla would forget me. And in perfect supportive fashion as always, she quickly responded and reminded me that Layla was the only one who knows the inside of my heart. And heck she was right! She spent 40 weeks growing and eventually hearing my heartbeat so how could she ever forget me? My heartbeat is the rhythm that soothed her then and still does now whether she knows it or not. And here come the waterworks again!
I get so choked up thinking about leaving Layla and I never thought I would be this wrecked. I know she is in the most capable hands, which isn’t my concern at all. A lot of moms need the jump back into the adult world and the everyday responsibilities they’ve become so accustomed to. There is nothing wrong with that but there is also nothing wrong with wanting to spend every moment with your pride and joy. There is nothing wrong wanting to watch your child sleep for the 100th time. I’ve taken thousands of pictures and videos of our moments together and not one of them gets old to me. (Although I’m sure my sharing of them on social media has lost me some “friends” or annoyed those following me. Sorry, not sorry!)
The point is either way I have to deal with it but I guess I have stopped feeling bad about my lack of wanting to go back. It does not mean that I’m not driven or motivated it just means that every minute away is going to make me enjoy each second back with her in my arms. Each time I get home will be the moment the outside world disappears and it is just Layla, Jonathan, and me. I can’t stop my Materntiy Leave from ending but I think I’ve finally realized how to look at this next step from a better perspective than my previous one.