There are very few words I could use to explain how this pregnancy has been all while living through COVID-19. The first that comes to mind would definitely have to be incomprehensible. I never knew that I would live through a pandemic in my lifetime. Sure, there are many generations before us that are probably thinking “You have no idea...a pandemic is nothing.” And they would be right, but preparing for a baby during something I hadn’t even thought about has been a really eye opening experience.
Let’s start off with the most common themes I think a lot of people in general have thought about. When will this be over? When will it be safe? How bad can it be? The list goes on. For my little family the entire worry has been a little more focused. What would it be like if it affected our own household? Layla is 2 1/2, Leona is about to enter the world any day now, and Jonathan and I are pretty young. We are pretty careful and have taken some great precautions to not getting sick even before COVID. However, we are also not naive to the fact that this particular virus obviously has no age preferences. This first started off as the “old people’s virus” making young adults feel invincible against it but anyone who has been paying attention can see that is clearly not the case.
I’ve seen a lot of people our age, even in similar situations (expecting like we are and/or with younger children) that don’t seem to be as cautious as we have been. It is not my place to judge but it raises a lot of questions in this momma’s analytical brain. Full disclaimer: I understand that every family’s abilities, personal views, and other deciding factors for response are different. BUT, I would not be telling the truth if I said it didn’t scare me a little when I wonder what the affects of actually getting the virus, let alone my children getting this virus, could look like. I’m not saying to live in fear by any means. But if you could be cautious without compromising too much in your life, why wouldn’t you? I’ve learned to accept that those compromises might look a little different for all of us and that’s okay!
As for this mom, I have been lucky enough to be able to self-quarantine with my hubby and daughter since mid March. I am grateful to my job and my household dynamic for that. Since then we have changed our lifestyle to fit what we think is best for us to be a little bit safer. We order our groceries for pick-up and do not dine in public and have also been very selective in who we have seen over the past 4 months. It has not been easy in any way but it has brought some peace of mind to this expecting momma.
I don’t have to worry about who Layla has been in contact with and whether or not she’s washed her hands before touching her face, licking her fingers, and doing just about all of the gross hygiene no-no’s that toddlers do. I don’t worry that I’ll get the virus while trying to grow this little human inside me. Not to mention, I feel a lot more sure of her being in our home environment without others bringing unknown germs into it. I’ve had trouble breathing since the start of this pregnancy but I always wear a mask when I’m out for a doctor’s appointment. So am I a big advocate for wearing one even though it is personally uncomfortable? Absolutely! It isn’t my favorite but it makes me feel better for my own health and others around me. While all of those things sound a bit more self-comforting than the negative talk of this virus it should still be noted that there have definitely been some very hard realities that the I’ve had to face.
When I envisioned this second pregnancy I already had the theme for my baby shower picked out. I knew who I would want to visit at the hospital and couldn’t wait to introduce Leona to her new friends/family. The reality now looks more restrictive than welcoming. No baby shower, no visitors at the hospital, and no introductions are in sight. It was hard to swallow at first because it almost felt like this whole happy experience was robbed from me by a microscopic virus that I never planned for. I’ve had to tell my own family that they can’t come see the baby when she’s born, not for a while anyways. As difficult as I thought that would be the understanding responses have been refreshing. My mom, who I thought would feel hurt, probably had the best response so far. “Well duh! No one needs to be around a fresh baby especially with all these germs floating around. Besides, they aren’t much fun until they’re a little older anyways!” In my mom’s translation that meant that she totally understood and supported our decision which was a huge relief for me.
The few things that have been keeping me going are my husband, small support system (I hope you know who you are), and the fact that I still get an amazing baby girl out of this. My husband said it best when I asked him how he felt about not being able to have visitors. “Why would I risk my daughter’s life for five minutes of someone holding her?” Now that might sound harsh to someone who just wants to meet a new baby but in the eyes of a parent it resonated with me. There are still too many unknowns right now to be 100% sure that Leona won’t get sick even if someone feels they’ve done well in taking the right precautions. One poor social distancing scenario or an asymptomatic visitor could be a real game changer. We’ve both agreed that is something we are not willing to chance. I’ve also wondered if we are being too cautious but at the end of the day, I’d rather be safe than sorry.
The solitude I’ll have knowing my daughters are safe is enough to replace the happiness a baby shower might bring. The comfort of having my little family free of illness and in good health trumps having fleeting visits once Leona arrives. Don’t get me wrong, it feels strange, but maybe this has all been a blessing in disguise. I’ve gotten to spend time with my loved ones majority of this pregnancy. I’ve been able to do some introspective growing without distraction. And I truly feel like a new person in many ways. I am more confident to say no to people and even more established in feeling good about my decisions. All in perfect timing with the nearing arrival of a new baby that will bring a lot of good/new change to this little family.
I’m not saying that my methods are what are best. There are plenty of other ways to do things. I just know that this has been our way of life this pregnancy and majority of the year so far. I’ve accepted that some people won’t agree with my views. I might even look back a few years from now and think differently but right now this feels good for us 3 about to be 4. At the end of the day we will be the only ones dealing with the results of our decisions and I am confident that I won’t be sorry. Twenty days or less to go before the next chapter.